


Neuro Nonsense

by wtfmulder



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Clown Pornography, F/M, Mulder Uses 7-in-1 Shampoo, Skateboard AU, Vore, Worm Scully, grapefruiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:07:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24399982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wtfmulder/pseuds/wtfmulder
Summary: Just absolutely nonsensical stories that I post on Tumblr sometimes for my own entertainment and to psychologically damage my friends. If you enjoy my other writing, or respect me at all as a person, just don't read these.
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully, Fox Mulder/Margaret Scully
Kudos: 15





	1. Skater AU

“Yo, Sculls.”

She jerks a nod at him, leaning her board up against the wall. The Public Library is a popular spot for skate life. And weed, when Ratboy stops by.

Mulder takes a hit off his joint. Hands it to her. She takes it and he shoves his hands in his pockets.

“You know how there’s like, five billion people in the world?”

Scully puffs out a huge cloud of smoke, waits for his impressed finger guns. “Duh, Mulder.”

“You’re like, one of them.” She looks at him like he’s stupid, and he amends: “Like, one of MINE. You know?” She puffs again. It’s her joint now. “I think I’m in love with you.”

“That’s stupid.”

“RIGHT?”

Discarding the roach and thriwing her board back down, she rides off. “But same,” she calls out, and does some kickflips.

***

“So that dude with the cigarettes offered to sponsor me again.”

The scratch of her board on the smooth pavement is cool. Soothing. He’s pissed of and he doesn’t know why.

“You’ve got shit technique and you’re always hurting yourself,” Scully replies. Ollies. “Why does he want you so bad?”

“Krycek says he’s my father,” Mulder says sullenly. “Says everybody’s doing my mom. Even him. Then he sold a freshman a dub for fifty and got ratted on.”

“Fuck Krycek. He’s the rat.”

“His Etnies are fake.” A slam of her landing, then the scrape of her shoe on the ground and his heart.

“Mulder,” she says, hurt. “<I>My</I> Etnies are fake.”

“Yeah…” he scrambles for the right words. He’s been trying to get laid with her for weeks and has failed every time, but in fairness to her he broke his arm last week trying to perfect the 360 gazelle. She kissed it better. It’s like… still broken, though. But he felt better. “But you’re not. You always… tell me the truth and shit. You’re my constant.” And I want to touch you. Too much?

“The truth is…” she skates up to him, hops off to stall herself. They’re close. Way close. It’s pretty cool. She leans in and he can see all her pretty freckles. “You’re mine too. So what if the creepy guy is your dad?” Before she kisses him: “But you’ve still got shit technique.”

***

Some headcanons: 

• Skinner is a veteran who works at the library, and is annoyed by the antics of the skate punks. He’s physically kicked Ratboy’s ass. Then he starts buying weed from him to help his anxiety and they have a truce that allows Krycek to hang around. He does think Mulder and Scully have potential.

• Scully is precise with fancy foot work and looks effortless when she rides. Mulder does huge stunts. They both help each other balance it out.

• they have both made out with Krycek. They have both been in fist fights with Krycek.

• fucking Diana Fowley longboards and Scully makes fun of her for it. Mulder is like… whatever don’t make it so personal and he kind of dates Diana for a little bit before he and Scully get together. Scully calls him a fuckboy and stops showing up at the library for awhile. It turns out Diana was paid by the dude with the cigarettes in gift cards for the local pizza place to take Mulder down in the next local skate off. Scully attends this, notices that his wheels aren’t regulation and Mulder realizes they’ve been switched out. Slowly he and Scully become friends again. Mostly commenting and sharing each other’s show off vines. It takes him… A While to talk her into letting him take her to the Rosetta Stoned show, their favorite local ska band. That may or may not be the name of the band I was in in high school.

• yes, Mulder has a ton of alien stickers on his board. Scully let’s him put one on hers too.

• Scully is kind of a medic at the skate park and nobody knows why she’s so good at it and why they trust her.


	2. Mulder Uses 7-in-1 Shampoo in S6 because He Has No Self Esteem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's why his hair is so bad. He loses the X-Files and doesn't believe he deserves nice hair.

After he found Scully on the floor of his apartment, covered in blood but no wounds save for the psychological ones, everything else was kind of a blur. When he collapsed to his knees beside her, she clung to him so desperately he didn’t know what to do with himself. So he simply held her, urged her to wash herself off, and drove her to the hospital.

When she stepped out of the shower she gave him an odd look, almost judgmental and pitying, but he assumed it was just her processing what happened. She was understandably subdued on the car ride to the ER. She wouldn’t look at him. He decided to give her some space and let her come to him when she was ready.

After the chest X-Ray, Scully was determined to be miraculously okay. It looked like nothing odd had happened to her at all. He drove her back home and offered to walk her up to her door.

She hesitated. Scully 101. I’m fine, Mulder. But her eyes wouldn’t meet his. Her gaze was fixed somewhere over the top of his head. He was genuinely worried, so he stepped out of the car and didn’t give her an option.

At her door, she paused before turning the knob. Then she turned around to face him, opening and closing her mouth as she tried to find words. Now he was really worried. Scully never floundered for words.

“Mulder...” she started. “Your hair...”

He stepped closer to her in concern, laying his hand in her shoulder. “What, Scully?”

She looked at him, inscrutable. Then she shook her head and apologized. “It must be the medication they put me on. I’m feeling out of it. Good night... and thank you, Mulder.”

Weird. He hadn’t seen them give her any medication, but maybe he hadn’t been paying attention... well, alright. He gave her a hug and left.

***

A couple weeks and one sexy baseball game later, Mulder went to go take a shower and stumbled backward when he saw his trusty 7-in-1 shampoo bottle no longer there. Instead he now had an assortment of luxury hair products, a loofah, and goat milk soap.

It was kind of nice. But who the fuck kept breaking into his apartment and replacing his shit?


	3. Worm Scully

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scully turns into a worm

Scully just didn’t know what to do with herself, now that she was a worm. Life as she knew it ceased to exist.

For one thing, she hated dirt, and now she had to live in it. The only problem was that she was stuck in the basement office and there was no soil to be found. She wasn’t fond of lacking eyes, arms, and legs. And she was so cold, all the time.

Perhaps her biggest concern was missing Mulder. She knew she needed him to figure out how to turn back into a human, but how would she even communicate with him? He’d left the office for the weekend, not knowing his partner was now a sad little earthworm wiggling on the tile. Now it was finally Monday and she was so hungry and dry she was so sure she was about to shrivel up and die. Mulder would never know it was her.

Still, she managed to slide all the way onto his desk. That would catch his attention. He hated bugs. At least he could put her out of her misery if she couldn’t solve her problem.

But to her surprise and relief, he knew as soon as he saw her.

“Scully, what happened to you? Oh god.” He picked her up and put her in their mostly alive window plant. “Don’t worry Scully, we’re gonna figure this out. Love ya buddy.”

Through a series of trial and error, they figured out a system where he dips her in a light amount of ink (very light, she breathed through her skin now, of course) and she spelled words for him by sliding around a piece of paper. Essentially worm cursive. It was better than Skinner’s handwriting. Through her notes they were able to figure out how to turn her back into a human. They were very happy together. Scully kind of missed being a worm sometimes. Less people tried to murder her. And she got to live in a plant. Mulder seemed to miss it too. She didn’t want to know why.


	4. Vore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is vore.

“Mulder, what’s vore?” asked Assistant Director Walter Skinner.

“It’s what’s for dinner,” Mulder replied, his lips twisting into a dark smile. They twisted and they twisted, his jaw went slack. Then it unhinged with metallic sounds, and Walter Skinner watched in fascinated horror as the agent revealed all of his teeth, his tonsils, as the lithe body stretched like stuck chewing gum. 

Mulder’s head lolled back, but his jaw stayed put, horse-like with his peeled back mouth. Skinner saw his tonsils, then his esophagus, and the rippled, pink flesh of that final squeezing muscle, and then Skinner saw no more.


	5. Maggie/Mulder Grapefruiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grapefruiting is an absurd sexual act that you can learn more about at this video: https://youtu.be/UaKLD3ugJYA
> 
> This is Maggie/Mulder. Yep. I don't recommend you read it, but you do you. It's by far the worst thing I've written. Wish I hadn't, honestly.

It was after midnight when she knocked. It took him five minutes to will himself out of bed, then it was five more minutes before he got to the door.

She stood there before him carrying a bag of fresh fruit and some tupperware with leftovers. It made her sigh, to see him. The separation was so fresh. From what her daughter had told her, Fox had been blindsighted. That was so much like Dana, to carry it until she could no more, and then unload it on everyone who loved her.

Fox didn’t want to let her inside, but he was also never one to refuse a Scully woman. She brushed past him as he held the door open for her. The inside of the house was a mess. There was takeout cartons littering every flat surface, and everywhere was the scent of rot, of sadness.

He thanked her quietly for the food and asked for updates on Dana. She told him the truth: she wasn’t doing all that well, either, but she was still getting along. Her resilient daughter. She didn’t quite know what to make of his response to that. He just nodded his head and closed his eyes. He was just… so sad. And lonely. She knew… she knew what it was like to be lonely.

This man had given her a grandchild. This man had protected her daughter. For all of his faults, he was a good man. And it… had been too long since she had seen… a good man. He was rather attractive, as well, and when she leaned in to kiss him, she found his bottom lip to be as suckable as it looked

Of course he jerked himself away. “Wha–?” his bewildered stare almost made her laugh.

“Let me take care of you, Fox,” Maggie whispered.

All of the sudden, he was hauling her over the couch to kiss her hungrily. It lit a fire inside of her to be manhandled in such a manner. It’d been so long… Before too long, she was on her knees before him on the couch, looking up at him with a wide-eyed stare. She sucked him down halfway, but she was too unpracticed, her gag reflex too strong. She could tell he was appreciative, but not satisfied. She decided to be creative. She went to the kitchen table to grab a grapefruit and she cut it in hole in it, approximately his size That bewildered look returned to his face again, and he almost looked ready to reject her.

But when she resumed her position on her knees and slide the grapefruit over his cock to the root, his eyes rolled to the back of his head. The noises it made echoed all throughout that empty house, loud, squelching slurps. The juice soaked his thighs and the couch. It tasted bitter when she leaned down to suck it off of him.

When she was finished, his essence coated the back of her throat with that citrus sweetness. She kissed him on the cheek, told him to be well, and left the house, hoping he’d get through this dark period.


	6. Clown Porn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey... yeah. It's clown porn. It's MSR this time, at least.

When Mulder tells you, “Scully, I need you to sit down. I have something to confess,” well… you’re scared. Mulder is incapable of keeping small secrets, but will carry heavy ones to his grave, and this is an aspect of his character you deeply respect. It is also the one that hurts you the most.

It could be anything. It really could be. He had an ex-wife and kept that from you for six years. He didn’t tell you about his past smoking habit until he’d tackled a cigarette out of your hands on a particularly rough case. Then there were the several houses he owned, or how he’d been firmly on Paul McCartney’s side since the early seventies.

So yes. When he sits you down and bites his lip and avoids your eyes, you are worried.

“It’s… I don’t expect you…” He works it out, and you give him space, even ask your throat closes in anxiety. “I don’t expect you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

Your shoulders sag. It becomes clear this is a sex thing, and knowing his proclivity for porn, it doesn’t surprise you that he might have some odd tastes. If he wants a threesome, you’ll kill him. You realize that the depth of your love for him is startling when you suddenly task yourself with reading up on pee. If he wants you to chain him up to your kitchen table and kick him in the nuts…

You won’t say no, necessarily.

He sighs, and looks at you one last time. Like it’s the last time you’ll let him. He drops back on the couch and shoves his hand in his pocket.

He drops a bright red nose into his lap.

***

“Oh, Mulder,” you gasp. The honking noise is a gentle reminder you’re getting it wrong. “Oh, BOZO.”

Three honks, progressively getting louder. That means you’ve got it right.

It’s hard for him to kneel in his clown shoes because they’re so big, so you’re bent over the bed, and the silk of his clown costume feels… nice against your back, like a pair of expensive pajamas. If you close your eyes and drown out the honking and the squeaking and Mulder’s brand new catch phrase, you can almost believe you’re getting railed by a regular man with good taste. Or at least, Mulder with good taste.

“Get a load of this!” Mulder shouts. There’s a mysterious liquid dripping down your back, so you buck up and twist your neck to see what it was.

He’s holding a squirting flower. Dear god.

You bury your face in the pillow, and resign yourself to the clown life.


End file.
